Listened to this song "Attention"? I think it was written for me. I just want attention, I do not want your heart. Now I know, it's not an uncommon feeling afterall. You be my friend, ex, crush, ex-crush? I just want your attention, I don't think I'll handle the other one well. What do you miss about college? What do you remember the most vividly about college? I do not know really but I'm not sure it's people, shared laughter or anything of the likes. I think it was the times I spent with myself. Or you could say, the times I spent escaping from the world and hiding from people. Running- literally and figuratively. My most sharp memories of college are not about talks or walks. They're about jogs. When I first arrived, I freaked out. I was not good enough, what was I going to do. People look so smart dammit. Woah look at this girl, so worthy of this life. God you think you'd made a mistake? How'd I land here? I did not want to stay put in the hostel you know. It was overwhelming. I took the roads. I jogged and jogged and jogged. I still remember the day, it was 25th of July, 2018. Seems like ages ago in college sense since corona screwed us over but am I allowed to say "not long ago"? My parents had just left weeping. I never lived so far away after all. I remember how the car took a turn and left GC. I remember my dad's face. So, you guys cried? I did not. I stood there. I was like, okay, now what? I had just bought this unisex cycle. I was keen on unisex (I really do not know why). I walked to the hostel, took my cycle, I knew there was a lake so come on. I cycled and in a bit I was comfortable finally, Lakeview road, woah this is empty, I cycled faster. There was this upward slope and a few quaters and I realized something and stopped like, thud. Dhoom Dhoom kind. If I had continued to cycle at the same speed, I'd be in the lake (plus my cycle). Or if I stopped a little later my cycle would hang at the edge and fall after me ,into the lake. Like a detonated bomb. Splash! A guard. Paavum guard. He was probably chilling looking at the lake and then was shocked by my unnecessary eavesdropping at his soothing talks in the head. He was shook. Like you could see him go from Cinderella sleep to seeing a rabid dog fight. Aye aye ladki idhar kya kar rhi hai? This place is not allowed. I was like what? Then I looked at the lake, the water was flowing at the rate not different from Godavari river's which I remember from fifth grade's vacation. It sure looked dangerous. I said, okay bhaiyya I'm sorry, I didn't know it wasn't allowed. Idhar mai nayi aayi hoon. I was not going to accept that my hindi was broken. Bitch you are from Hyderabad so you better talk whatever hindi comes to your mouth. I showed the gaurd the little admission square sheet that told me my roll number for the first time. CH18B024. 18 and 24,such sweet sobre numbers I thought. Such a warm feeling. See, I told you, I felt all this for 18 and 24 but not about people or at the least my parents. Something is seriously wrong but let's come back to that later.
I made sure I turned back looked at the lake one last time before I left while the gaurd showered instructions. Dangerous and beautiful. Then I cycled to shopping complex, after searching a lot. Then I was like woah treasure here! Days went by, I did make friends, I guess. But I sure remember crying after math class when our professor made sure he reiterated, "Quality of IITs has been going down ", not so sweetly. The first time I shook hands with my roommate, I nervously asked which branch she belonged to. She told CSE. I might have gone pale at that. While my mother unpacked my things that day, I was wondering why the phone won't charge. I was knocking on and off the same switch like a fool and then my roomie switched another one on and boom, it worked! I was playing with the wrong switch. I went paler at that. Shit I am so stupid, what am I going to do. So, I ran. Accross Delhi and Bonn. Morning and evening. I lost twelve kilos in two months but that wasn't the point. It was about the raw loneliness I felt. It was about the day I got my leg twisted and dragged it along from Delhi avenue to Institute hospital. About how not one asked how I walked wearing bandage. One boy did ask and I ended up having a disastrous crush on him. I was so easy LOL. I went on whenever I was sad, whenever I felt empty. "Empty" Is what college made me feel or I made college make me feel. But today when I think of college, what I miss the most is that feeling. Raw loneliness minus all the sorrow because you know, brain's great at editing. I don't remember craving while running. Craving peace and identity. I'd loved when someone gave me attention. I didn't know how to handle it. I loved to have crushes, I had loved to drop hints but I got anxious when people got close. They say you either leave or stay but don't stand at the gate. For me, it is - please stand at the gate. I do not know what to do, with your love or attention. Do I come out very rude? I didn't text you back did I? Surely, because I don't know how to handle people anymore. So people had been out of my books. All I remember about FIITJEE was to stand by the Airbus Apartment and pace up and down the empty street at 8 PM feeling clueless. About college, I knew exactly where I'd find the madar seeds afloat and where in Bonn Avenue network would snap. I knew I'd hit the basket ball court by the sunset. I would run by Vanavani's playground only minutes after the sunrise and beam at the empty basketball court. Upon reaching SBI, I would stop running and take a moment. Sweat ran down my waist. Feel so sexy, don't we?! I would miss classes. While half my classmates went to E-Cell and sports, I was busy clicking pictures of fallen flowers at Mr. Bhaskar Ramamurthi's fence. Then I formed connections with people. A different kind of anxiety struck me. Reality hit me and world was running. I felt left out but now was not drugged. Expectations and other stuffs- people always bring along. Intolerable. Hence, I don't remember a thing further , consider it gone in daze. The dude desperate to talk to me is awesome, but when he tries to jog next to me, bro stop. Maintain some distance macha! It's awesome to talk fun stuff with the girls but emotions? Such turn off. Things have probably fallen in place. Grades got better. Life looks like it's got more direction to it now. But when you ask me what I'll miss the most the day I leave IIT M, I would say I miss the evening sunshine. If you ask me what I will regret not doing, it'd be all the roads I didn't spend walking. Walking thinking that it would have been great if someone walked along also wishing the opposite. For me, it's the places always, not people. For me it's about loneliness. The raw kind.
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