It was a beautiful summer morning, just an hour before the test she had been freaking out about for a few days. He walked in, kissed her cheek, turned her face around, and kissed her on her lips. No. It is not supposed to be romantic, it was her father.
"Don't worry about the test beta, okay?" he said. He said that and walked away. She watched unblinkingly. Her lips burnt and her heart sank. She did not know what to do, she wanted to chop her lips off. Without a thought, her first instinct was to rub her lips off- as much as she could, until they hurt. But she could still feel them. Her mouth dried but she didn't want to drink water. She didn't want to feel her mouth.
She got back to her senses, she did not break down, nor was taken by a storm, for she knew who had been the most perverted man of her life - her father. A brave child she was- probably to her disadvantage- to call out her father openly every time she caught him staring at a woman. At first, it was hurt, it was hurtful that her mother was being cheated on at the smallest of the scales on daily basis. Later, it was a feeling of pure disgust, how horrible it must be for the lady who was subject to his disgraceful attractions. How uncomfortable and hurtful must she feel. How vulnerable, how attacked, and how unsafe must she feel. To be a full-grown pervert's subject of attraction, to think there must be a lot more going on in his head, to know she was absolutely powerless of the situation, to accept that all she could do is to stay put or walk out of his sight without saying a word. What do people say? "Let it be, he's just looking." What a light-hearted leisure activity for men to take up.
Though the fight of words was over in her, her spirit was not dead. She was not not to make noise. She was not to accept it as an accident. She was not to accept the place of a victim. She wanted to stand her ground, to acknowledge the disgustful move, to state firmly that she won't take it. She had to make it clear but could not afford the family to be affected by it. Hence, she decided to stick to a text message. She took so long to type, to think. What an irony, the man who did wrong to his own child was out there moving as though not a thing happened and her, completely innocent, put through so much thought, so much shame, so much pain- just to stand up for herself. Sounds familiar?
She texted him "I do not like being kissed on the lips, I hate it" and he ignored it for hours. She sat down to give her test, tests wouldn't stop for your heart to bleed or tears to flow. Tests have to be given when they should, so, she did. When she was done, it was time for the ugly move.
Her original stance was to not talk anymore, or maybe stay alone most time so she wouldn't have to and her brother and mother wouldn't notice. She couldn't bear to see his face. But as I said, ugly move time- he called her out, "What the hell! why would you send your own father a message like that, why do you want to hate me so much! ". It was one moment, the tables turned. She was in pain, she was to keep to herself for the sake of her family but now her mom was prompted to interrogate against her "stupidity".
"You are thinking too much", she said, "it would not have happened" , she said. She choked with not being able to utter a word while her mother accused her of almost being delusional. For her mother, it made more sense that her mentally stable daughter made up a whole scenario just out of hatred towards her father born out of nowhere, made more sense than that her perverted husband was fully capable of doing such a thing. She did not want to talk to her mother anymore, she locked herself up but her mother kept banging in and telling her that she (daughter) was completely false, the incident of which she had zero evidence. The man, the most disgraceful creature, had nothing to do with it, for him, his greatest strength was his dedication to his family and kids, strength enough to blind his wife of all her senses. Her mother talked to her against her senses, so persistent with her baseless arguments. To the girl, it felt as though her mother was trying to cope herself, she wasn't trying to make her daughter believe but her own self that nothing of the likes happened. For she, was not only a mother but also a wife if she believed in what her daughter said, it meant pain, so, she pursued against it. At that moment her she felt - "how selfish", why couldn't she just be a mother for a moment and understand what her daughter was going through, why does she have to wreck her heart just to avert pain. That was the same moment she lost the trust she placed in her mother. Her mother could not be relied upon.
She held her family with no basic sense of respect. The only one that meant to her was her brother.
She stopped talking for she did not trust anyone to listen. She did not think it worth. She stopped seeking help because she was the one giving it all the time, if she could not get it back from her mother, would she trust to get an ounce of emotion back from someone who's not her own blood? Questionable.
She soon became thick-skinned. The hurt that had to bother her did not pinch her anymore. Was it that it did not matter or was it because there was a void where all of it was piling up to ooze out at once, only to destroy her- she knew not.
She guarded her emotions with high walls, relished a handful of friends that kept slipping away, she knew there was nothing to expect in return. Doors were open for anyone to leave. And once they left she made no effort. Actually, she did not feel like it.
She felt like an orphan sometimes, with no one to hug, with no one to trust enough to love. The days she felt lonely, she hugged herself to feel something but that was no comfort. She masturbated every day but there was not an image to have in her head. For her sex came after love and she loved none. Masturbation was an exercise, for that temporary high. For her to feel tired so she could put herself to sleep. She talked to guys a few times but had no energy to build a relationship from the scratch, to feel towards a person so much as to want to sleep with him. In the world where talks began with the body, connections struck intending to pursue the body, she knew she would not find refuge. She would not find someone to hug her and just let her be.
Life wasn't sorrowful though, she took refuge in nature. She looked to the sun, the sea, smiles of strangers for the hope of a beautiful life. A little handshake, a small chat with her best friends, unintelligible chatter of strangers. Things like, what a magnificient journey those jasmine flowers would have traced to get to the old woman's bun. She invested in making people happy for she knew she would not get it back at that scale. She felt unloved or was she?
The things that should have made her jump with happiness did not. She received the first pay cheque of her life along with a letter of appreciation. She took pictures of them and opened Whatsapp, there was no one so close worth sharing it with, there wasn't much in it for herself so who would celebrate her?
She placed her file back into the bag and marched on looking at the sky and seeking happiness.
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