I'm 24. You're about 24 (+/-).
I can't seem to make myself do anything without writing this down and sharing this.
20s is a lot of churn so I hope this helps. I expect many are going through the same.
I'll try to make it as crisp as I can.
The point I want to drive home : you can't think you're way out of a spiritual upheaval
2 years ago, I had zero clue about what these terms meant - spirituality, dark night of the soul, spiritual awakening,etc etc.
Today, I do know but I'm no expert in metaphysics so take this with a grain of salt.
Irksome Questions
These are questions you're afraid to ask yourself.
They may sound like :
"Do I really like what I'm doing?"
"Am I being fake?"
"Do I mean what I'm saying?"
For me, these questions started in earnest in 2020 as far as I remember.
I come from a background where saviour complex is glorified, so naturally UPSC was my go to.
A question just bubbled up, I came across Rousseau's philosophy in an anthropology class - "back to nature". I only remember vaguely, he goes something along the lines of the nature being better that what we have at the moment, so we need to go back.
That prompted me to think, actually ask myself. Why did I always visualise growing up and going to the villages and working on the grassroots level. Am I also not like Rousseau? Am I not romanticizing the grassroots setup?
Then came the first cut at my heart : " What if the same people moved into places with better infrastructure? Would I still want to help them.
Imagine people moving to pucca houses, with a different set of problems. Would I still find it interesting?"
I'm a city-born, city-bred girl and I realised in a shameful manner that it was for the greatest part, a cultural experience.
The Nicest Girl/Guy Around
Smile, do this, do that. Be the best.
What do they want? How do they feel? How do I act?
The greatest chunk of my life sounded like that to a crazy extent. I know, those are normal questions but those weren't in the normal composition for me. I was saturated.
I dated people because I felt I was supposed to. I did things because they were the right things to do.
For you it might also look like: are they looking at me? What do they think of me?
If I say this, will they get hurt?
It gets suffocating at one point. Let me put it in a cliched way : it gets really suffocating running the race you don't probably want to run. Trying to please the people you don't want to, don't need to.
Volcano Erupts
It really gets to you at this point. You can't avoid the questions anymore. If you do try, you'd spend days sleeping, crying because you cannot avoid the scandalous thought, can't encourage such questions.
You're heart won't feel any better until you confront yourself.
When you do ask that question, you will feel a sore pain in your chest, as if your heart is cut raw open but you'll feel much lighter. I promise.
For me :
It was August 16, 2022. Vajiram, Delhi.
Ethics class.
The case study: Girl in danger stuck with a group of men. Situation looks like they'll assault her. It's midnight, an empty road and you are a woman. Would you jump to help.
The question shook me. I DON'T KNOW. Do I really have the courage to pull it off?
Am I suitable enough for this profession? Do I have the courage or I'm just putting up a show?
Talks with therapist : "you don't love x. You are telling yourself you should love x. You actually don't. It's not love. It's attachment.
There's a lot of shoulds and should nots in your life."
The most hurtful part of what she said : "you don't know who you are"
Death
This is also a part of eruption, but I consider this a greater blow to your being.
I tried my best, growing up, to be a transparent, honest person. Naturally, I expected that the same things be reciprocated.
At this point, a dear friend showed me some things about some people. I felt I was kept in dark. They felt I didn't need to know. I felt my honesty wasn't reciprocated.
I died a death.
Questions that popped : What will honesty fetch me but pain?
I collapsed in dark not knowing what to make of the situation at hand.
Death of a nurtured dream
Death of trust
Questions on why at all honesty or morality was required anymore? People seem to do fine without it, no?
Screaming, Crying, THINKING
I lay in bed for 3 months. It was dark. I was dead. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. If I did something, I didn't know if I was doing it for me, doing it because I want it? So I didn't do a thing. Anything.
I kept thinking. Just thinking. Same thoughts over and over. I didn't know it back then, I couldn't explain what I was going through. I seeked this book, that. Astrology. Spirituality.
When I read about dark night of the soul, it made sense to me. But I couldn't stay there, could I?
Ripping your skin, throwing it away
I did this rather violently. I reached out to people who I wanted to reach out to but couldn't because I didn't want to hurt the other people in my life. I didn't care anymore.
I verbally abused people who I felt did wrong to me( I don't recommend but I can't seem to give a shit to be honest) I screamed, I cried.
Naked
I couldn't let myself sit around. I know the situation changed, I did too. This was not a matter of persistence, it was time to change direction.
I landed a job I couldn't dream to. If I were still there I'd be packing to leave for Europe at this point but I quit eventually.
I showed up. I was an empty slate at that point, so I told myself, why not be the best? I pushed, I shined, but again, I did the same mistake. I was always trying to do the right thing to a point of suffocation. I suffocated. I saw myself out in the meekest way possible.
Lesson : You can be a very horrible person when you need to be. Don't doubt your potential for badness.
Reconciliation:
At this point you've seen a little bit atleast, after the purge.
You let yourself be. You know a tad bit about what makes you, what breaks you.
You start observing yourself. You are aware in the moment.
Questions still pop.
But again, you cannot think yourself out of these questions.
You need proof.
For me :
I got back to preparing for UPSC but for different reasons. Less romantic reasons.
I still had doubts on my capabilities, my nature.
I went for an interview for a rural fellowship. Nailed all rounds, got an offer (turned it down) : this was proof for my intellect and character
Still didn't feel sure.
I did a 15 day internship, it was on-field, people facing. Nailed it. Loved it.
I am so very glad I did the above. Because now I know.
It's important to note here that I didn't go into these pressuring myself to be the best. I listened to my intuition.
One interview, 15 days internship, a few months working .
If I didn't take the chances, I wouldn't be at a peaceful place mentally, spiritually.
It is my great concern. That's the whole reason I'm writing this.
My experience happens to a lot many people. But many stagnate, fearing taking a different route, unable to let go the old self. Thinking, ruminating, thinking. Ultimately: stagnating.
No one deserves to feel stuck that way.
You cannot think your way through this. You need to put yourself out there. Experience. Watch yourself. Fall in love with yourself.
Awakening comes at a cost
When you're going through this, everyone will tell you one thing. Stay in the present.
When you start staying in the present you'll start loving life, loving yourself. Grateful for everything you have.
I found myself to be less ambitious than before. Mostly because most of my motivation used to come from a place of hate and fear. When you lose that fuel and when you become grateful, you are basically on cruise mode.
I miss being as ambitious. But I think it's a fair trade-off. I am peaceful now. Confident. Grateful. Appreciative, not jealous.
It's all worth it, the spiritual process continues. Keep listening. And also remember that it comes at a cost.
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